The Iceberg of a disability

Learning Disabilities are like icebergs. People see the tip of the massive piece of ice but not the layers underneath it. Many times others see the tip of the iceberg, which is the difficulties I face with learning and understanding. However they miss the underlying parts of shame, anxiety, frustration, sadness and anger. In order to be able to accept having one, I had to look and each layer.

Shame was the first layer of my iceberg. I once blazed with the shame of having one, especially as a young child. I could not hide the fact that I had one in the rural school that I attended. The small district made it impossible to camouflaged and blend in. All of my peers saw that I went to learning support and knew that I struggled in the classroom. I quickly became a frequent target of bullying and unkind words from my peers. I felt that having one made me feel inferior to my peers.

I thought the answer was to deny that I had one and not talk about it. Pretending that I did not have it, was not helpful. My disability did not go away and I struggled with it. As an adult I felt more comfortable sharing that I I had one. I found others who were more accepting and encouraged me to share my story. 

Frustration was another layer of my iceberg of disability. I can remember feeling frustrated when learning a new task or lesson. During my school years, I was discouraged when I would study for a test only to fail it. I would put forth effort in my classes and do poorly in them especially math. I thought that life would always be difficult with one and that I would not be successful. My parents supported and advocated for me. I also had teachers who worked with me and taught me strategies to learn. I also found activities that I was good at and enjoyed doing. I was no longer frustrated but felt successful.

Anxiety was another layer of my iceberg. I would be afraid that I would not be able to achieve my dreams with having one. I worried about the future, and was hesitant to dream big. I thought that I could not go to college, or have the job I wanted. Part of this was because of the difficulties I faced with learning. I also had others who told me that I would never do all of these things. I had a learning support teacher who told me that I would not be able to go to college, and suggested a trade school. I had a Physiatrist who who told me that I would not go beyond community college. I was able to go to college and get my bachelors degree. I had to use accommodations of extended test time, a note taker, and tutoring in classes I was struggling with. I also had to find programs that had the lest amount of math and science possible. 

I was also anxious about being in a relationship with having one. I wondered if I would find someone who would love me with having a disability. I had others who did reject me for having one. I had others who told me that they did not want to be with me because of it. I can remember a guy breaking up with me saying he was tired of driving me places and I could drive if I really wanted to. He knew that I was not able to drive because of my disability, but he could not accept it. He simply was not the right person for me. I have found a wonderful husband who is supportive and loves me for who I am. He does not mind driving me places and we enjoy traveling through life together.

Sadness was another layer of my iceberg. I was sad that it was harder for me to learn and perform other tasks. Others would tell me that all I had to do was think positively and everything would work out. Toxic positivity did not make me happier or take away my disability.  Having people tell me that others had it worse was also not helpful. It was okay to feel sad or disappointed when I struggled or had difficulties. The sadness did not stay forever, and I was happy again.

Anger was also another layer of my iceberg. I felt angry that I had one and that others did not. It seemed that everyone else could achieve their dreams and had an easier time. I have found that everyone struggles at different parts of life. The person who looks like they are perfect and put together is not. Some are simply better at concealing it. 

Slowly the sun of success and support has melted the layers of the iceberg. Sharing my story has helped to melt away the shame. I am now comfortable with talking about having one. I cannot control the reactions of others, when I share that I have one, but I can control my response. Having a disability can create inconveniences, but I have learned how to deal with the frustrations. The layer of sadness is also melting. Engaging in activities that I enjoy has helped this to fade. The layers of anger has also melted. Comparing my life and being angry over the success of others did not help me enjoy my life. Everyone has difficulties, some are just better at hiding it. Looking at each of these layers has what has helped me to heal.  I will always have one that will follow me, but I will not let it stand in my way.